Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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