I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
