I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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