I looked at my own cervix.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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