Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My ATM looks so different sober.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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