I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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