Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
