it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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