I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
