so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
