I think I died a long time ago.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
