I cockslap morals
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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