sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
