I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
