the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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