Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
