the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
