I hate your face
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
