I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I love you. Go after that dick
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
