it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
