Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
