Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
