no, he came in my armpit
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize