i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize