My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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