Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
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