I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
