He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
