like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Such a big mess for such a small penis
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
