So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
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