Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
