Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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