Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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