i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am one with the molecules
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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