Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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