i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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