totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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