There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
