Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
