allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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