Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
