you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
