my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
