There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
