I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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