we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
