There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
