I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
