In America we eat man semen.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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