im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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