Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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