Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
