it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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