I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
