I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
