I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
