Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
